Family Jewels and other Junk (puns intended to amplify comedic value)

I would like to issue an apology in advance to my mother (whom I call blessed), the easily offended, and to ladies without brothers or sons. My intention is to relate my life to scripture I am reading. Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy are not exactly easy reading but I try.

Lately our house has been invaded by testicular humor. I have 2 boys and 2 brothers that think that region is just funny. It has always seemed a plentiful source of humor. Testicles, as my mother would have preferred us to call them, have so many interesting and colorful euphemisms. The old standards are still quite good but modern times have brought us some funny alternatives like tenders, nuggets, batteries, and franks and beans. My boys, thanks to Hollywood, prefer tenders and batteries. I get a sense of pride that my boys too find the privates a source of light-hearted humor. Jana has informed me that I will be receiving all calls from school officials if ball humor rears it ugly head (no pun intended) during school hours. I will, with great humility, accept the phone call and listen intently while trying to stifle the laughter that will undoubtedly be trying to force it's way from the bowels (another limitless abyss of funnies) of my sub-cockles (you're giggling, admit it). My mom thought us crude for using terms like nuts, but she could never comprehend the catastrophic ostracizing that would accompany the utterance of the scientific term "testicles" around friends or foes.

If you have been reading my blog entries, you know that I am reading through the bible. Today I was reading in Deuteronomy. Pretty standard stuff...do this...do that...don't do this...don't do that. If this...then that. More times than not, the that was death. Anyway, my brakes locked up completely when I arrived at Deuteronomy 25:11-12. It's funny how things in the Bible can mirror things relevant in my life. Exhibit A:

NIV
11 If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, 12 you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.

THE MESSAGE
11-12 When two men are in a fight and the wife of the one man, trying to rescue her husband, grabs the genitals of the man hitting him, you are to cut off her hand. Show no pity.

KING JAMES
11When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets:
12Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.

NEW CENTURY VERSION
11 If two men are fighting and one man's wife comes to save her husband from his attacker, grabbing the attacker by his sex organs,12 you must cut off her hand. Show her no mercy.

You can just imagine the smoke boiling behind me as my mental steel-belted radials were screeching and swerving all over the intellectual highway. Even bible scholars and learned men cannot reach a consensus on this most sensitive region. These all-stars of academia must have racked (once again, no pun intended) their brains and contorted their bodies trying to tiptoe across the testicle tightrope. I giggle picturing men in robes with the duty of translating the most important and influential document every written trying to decide on the right wording. I guess it is fortunate that the charge of interpretation fell to someone else. I would not have the stones (pun intended)!